The Secrets To A Happy Family

In Sunday's Parade magazine, February 17, 2013, an article caught my eye.  My training and education has been in family studies and for many years I have been a practicing family therapist having the opportunity to meet with and allow safe, therapeutic environments for families to develop.   Naturally, the article appealed to me.  I would like to share the highlights and perhaps it will inspire you to get Bruce Feiler's book and put some of his research into play in your family unit.

He gave  ninteen questions to his readers to help them have better family relationships.  I am not listing the results in its' entirety but a summary of each question for the brevity of this blog.

1. When a team of pscychologists measured children's resilence, they found that the kids who knew the most about their family history were best able to handle stress. 

This answer surprised me somewhat because in our culture I believe we have forgotten the importance of generational history.  So many people I work with come into my office and snub me doing a genogram ( a family history) saying "What does it matter that my uncle grew up dirt poor and used all his resources to overcome his challenges?")   Some feel that talking about the past has nothing to do with theirpresent or future.  That is erroneous.  It does matter. Family heritage and history helps us set us standard to either live by or to correct.

2.Children are expected to learn how many new words per year during grades 3 through 12?  The answer was 3,000. 

His remarks are that teaching children one new word every day may sound daunting but he also gave games and techniques to accomplish the task.

3.  When giving children an allowance, parents should force them to divide their money into equal piles for spending, saving, and giving away.

That was a true or false question.  The answer was false.  An allowance is a tool to help them learn from their mistakes.  Warrne Buffet's banker said, "It's better to make a mistake with a $6 allowance than a $60,000 salary or a $6 milliion inheritance."

4.  What do surveys show that children want most from their parents?

The answer is for the parents to be less tired and stressed.  He stresses weekly meetings to review how your family is functioning and asking questions such as, "What worked well in our family last week or what didn't work well?"  Also, "What can we work on now?"

5.  Eating dinner together as a family has been shown to benefit children, but at least a third of Americans rarely do so.  Which of these alternatives can offer the same benefits?

The answer is eating another meal together, such as, breakfast, or a bedtime snack, or scheduling a once a week Sunday supper.

6.  To encourage conversation and draw your family closer, arrange your living room seating in a circle.  The ideal is about five feet away which allows the eye to comfortably take in the torso, hands, and face.

7.  The most common time of day for family fights is around dinnertime, most highly charged from 6 to 8 pm when parents are returning from work and everybody is hungry.  Give everyone time to look through the mail, eat and change clothes.

8.  When it comes to discipline, who should pick the punishments?  Feiler says the kids.  His analogy, when kids have a role in picking their own punishment, it can give them a greater sense of ownership over their behavior and may increase the liklehood they'll follow through on changing it.  (From Carol Dweck, Ph. D, a professor of pychology at Standford University.)

9.  The worst word you can say in a fight with a  spouse is "you"! 

Using first person pronouns ["I" or "We"] is a sign of a healthy relationship.  Using "you" (as in "You alwasy say that " or "Your never do this") indicates poor problem solving.

10.  If your're having an argument with your partner or a teenager, you can help reduce feelings of resentment if you:are both at the same level, with the same posture to prevent power imbalances.

11.  When men and women were asked the top three reasons they argue with their spouse, they agreed on only one.  The answer was money.  This was posed to abouot 4,000 men and women.  Dividing money into three accounts, "yours", "miine" and "ours" and holding quarterly meetings to discuss finances cut down on financial conflicts.

12.  When siblings between the ages of  3 and 7 are together, how many times per hour do they fight?  Siblings clash an average of 3.5 times per hour studies show, with the fights lasting a total of 10 minutes.  To reduce squabbles, spend a few minutes every day alone with each child (so they're not jockeying for attention), and give them chores to do jointly to build trust.

13.  Difficult conversations among groups family members will go better if you have women present.  Researchers from Carnegie Mellon, MIT and elsewhere analyzed nearly 700 people working in groups and found that those with a higher proportion of females to males were more sensitive to input from everyone, more capable of reaching compromise, and more efficient.

14.  At family meetings, you should vote about a matter before you discuss it.

Many organizations are better at making decision if participants express their views at the outset of a meeting.  Otherwise, countless studies have shown that the people who speak first and loudest tend to persuade others to go along with their positions, even when they're wrong.

15.  Research shows that girls delay the onset of sexual activity if they have a close relationship with their father. 

In a landmark Add Health study of 90,000 adolesents, researchers found that girls who have close relationships with their fathers were more likely to hold off on having sex.  Other studies have shown that involved  dads also produce great sociability and confidence in both daughters and sons.


16.  Which out of school activity is more popular for American children ages 7 to 10? 

The answer is team sports, but parents often put too much pressure on their kids.  To make sports more family friendly:  Don't push athletics on your child.  Don't use commands during games ( say "good pass" not "pass the ball").

17.  Which behavior is more vital to a happy relationship?   Celebrating your partner after an accomplishment. 

The researchers at the University of California at Santa Barbara asked men and women to share good news with their partners.  Those with the strongest relationship didn't just say, ("Good job, honey"), but attributed it to their unique self ("Only someone with your ingenuity could have won that big account").  The scientists concluded that it's more importanat to congratulate your partner when things go right than to console when things go wrong.

18.  How many Americans attend a family reunion every year?  About 40 percent of Americans attend an annual reunion, with another 25 percent attending one every few years.  To increase bonding during reunions, hold a family trivia contest or play intergenerational games like capture the flag.  Having fun together is a key part of building a strong family identity.

19.  Most people say their family happy.  Three quarters of American adults say thier family is the most important element of their lives, and 85 percent say that the family they have today is as close as or closer than the family they grew up with.


So, then, what do happy families do right?  Happy families adapt.  They talk, a lot!  They go out and play.  And they make the decision to keep working ont heir family.  In the end, this may be the most enduring lesson of all.  What's the biggest secret to a happy family?  Trying!

Adapted from The Secrests of Happy Famlies: Improve Your Morning, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, go Out and Play, and Much more, by Bruce Feiler (Feb 17 Parade Magazine William Morrow)

I personally have not read the book, but saw this article and felt compelled to blog it. I feel that putting these 19 changes into your family system could be a major shift in your family relationships. 

Perhaps you also would like to purchase the book, which is a bestseller and see what else the author has to say.